What Is Your Money Love Language?
/This article originally appeared on February 8, 2020. It has been updated with additional anecdotal research.
Why do we spend money the way we do? Oftentimes financial experts will share tips and tricks on how to cut spending. But what if your spending behaviors weren’t meant to be changed? But instead to be understood? Perhaps understanding why you make the choices you do is more important than judging whether or not they are “bad” money decisions. Perhaps embracing your so-called “bad” money behaviors is the key to living a wealthy, balanced life.
Understanding your financial health
Improving your financial health is similar to improving your physical health. It takes a holistic approach to elevate your fitness. This includes workouts, nutrition, and boosting your self-image. If your goal is to shed extra pounds, going on a restrictive diet may be the most obvious step, but it will not produce sustainable results. The collective pervasive diet culture leads folks down a path of making eating decisions based on self-hate rather than self-understanding. While one may lose weight in the short-term with a diet, it is not uncommon to see them regain the weight and then some in the long-term. Why? Because healthy eating habits were not established. Instead of restriction, a restorative, balanced approach to eating is needed to create a lifestyle change.
The same goes for your financial health. The collective scarcity money mindset is designed to shame your financial decisions by glorifying a life of austerity. While mainstream media outlets promote the Rich & Fabulous lifestyle, financial gurus scream don’t buy avocado toast lest you die broke in a gutter. Restrictive spending is a lot like restrictive dieting. It can help if you need a quick reset, but it is not designed to be a long-term fix. A financial transformation can only occur if you develop healthy money habits that support your values.
Behavioral Economics
My theory that healthy money habits, not restrictive spending aka budgeting, drives sustainable wealth is rooted in behavioral economics. There is copious research to suggest that we are not linear robots who make rational economic decisions. Yet, a lot of conventional financial advice seems to be written for robots who have no feelings and no desires. One of my favorite behavioral economists is Richard Thaler who wrote the book, Misbehaving: The Making Of Behavioral Economics. He outlines in incredible detail supported by substantial data, the need for understanding human psychology when analyzing the flow of money. His focus in the book is on the macro (public policy) and my focus is on the micro (your financial life).
I’ve observed and worked with many individuals who are eager to elevate their financial well-being. My most recent experience was with Monica, who is a member of the Money Makers - the paid membership program for Money & Mimosas readers. Within six months of joining the program, Monica had started a side hustle, made $1,000, and had lost 40 pounds.
When Monica joined she was severely overweight and having difficulty moving around due to a recent knee injury. She also felt that she was overspending, especially on food. On a monthly basis, Monica was spending 37% of her income on food, which was high and unsustainable. In a conventional financial program, the advice would have been to cut her food spending immediately. However, I knew that we needed to get to the root of her emotional eating decisions because her weight was an indication that there was more to the story than, what some experts would say, is a lack of financial discipline. Once we did this deeper inner work, Monica’s life transformed. She got to the root of why she spent money on food and why there were so many emotions attached to her meal delivery orders.
Once we unpacked those emotions, then we created a plan of gradually reducing her food spend. This gradual approach is necessary to ensure that the changes are sustainable and that there are “easy” wins along the way to support motivation.
We also got clear on Monica’s money love language. Your money love language helps you understand why you spend money the way you do. I believe we all use money to as a way to feel a love that we are craving. For many folks, this is a subconscious love that they are not aware of. Therefore, they are unconsciously spending money without knowing why they are doing it. Knowing your money love language requires becoming curious about your spending decisions, rather than shaming it. Once you know your money love language, you can practice money mindfulness to make healthier money decisions.
The Five Money Love Languages
Acceptance. Your desire is to feel like you belong. This stems from the core wound of not feeling like you are enough. You tend to spend on others. As a business owner, you give your services away for free or at a heavy discount. Start practicing self-acceptance by buying small gifts for yourself rather than always putting others first.
Appreciated. Your desire is to be acknowledged for your unique brilliance. This stems from the core wound of not feeling seen. You tend to spend on clothes, travel, and on branding for your business. Start practicing self-acknowledgment by taking time to celebrate your wins as opposed to waiting for others to celebrate you.
Nurtured. Your desire is to feel treasured. This stems from the core wound of feeling unloved. You love to spend on self-care, food, and outsourcing for your business. Start practicing self-love practices that do not require much money such as taking a bath or taking ten minutes to massage your face/body with oil.
Respected. Your desire is to be admired. This stems from the core wound of feeling humiliated. You enjoy spending on things that make you feel luxurious. As a business owner, you invest in your PR and public persona. Start practicing making financial decisions based on your values rather than your ego.
Safety. Your desire is to feel safe. This stems from the core wound of feeling unsafe to be your true self. You are restrictive with your spending and pride yourself on finding a bargain. As a business owner, you are often looking for ways to barter. Start practicing spontaneous financial decisions that bring you joy.
Tapping into your desires and healing your core wounds will help you create a healthy relationship with your money love language. For more details on how to go about doing this, join the Money Makers to watch the full training on money love languages.
